8 days and counting

In 8 days I will be divorced. It seems unreal. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was blissfully happy in his arms. It seems like moments ago that we were looking at each other and we knew it was never going to be the same again. Its amazing to me how God has worked in my life over the past 8 months. I look back and see a woman emerge from the ashes of a broken marriage, and I like who I see. I am proud of how far I have come and I'm proud of the person I am becoming.

I still have days where I get waves of sadness that pass over me...but the tides are changing. The sadness doesn't necessarily revolve around missing D anymore. The waves come in the form of loneliness and just being alone in a crowd of people. It happened again on Sunday at church. I know a lot more people at my church now than I used to, but some days I just don't have the energy or the confidence to go up and talk to them. So I sit back and watch them interact and secretly long for them to come include me in the conversation. I need to get over that. God is still working on me.

Then there are other times when life just catches me off guard. For instance, I went last week to get my new glasses and as I'm sitting at the desk at the Walmart Vision Center, the little old lady was filling out my paperwork and asked me if I was married. I literally stumbled over my words because I didn't know the right answer. Its a yes or no...but is it? Things like that, that make me question whether I am making progress as much as I had hoped. I believe I am, and I believe it will continue to get easier.

I feel good about the interactions that I have had with D over the past couple of weeks. Its still pretty "logistical" when we see or talk to each other, but I don't feel weird around him anymore. Its becoming more of a friend relationship which is better than no relationship.

I still question and get a little panicky when I think about what our court date will be like. Will he be alone? Will he bring support? Will we sit together? Will we go to lunch afterwards? Do we hug afterwards...been nice being your wife? I don't know. Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but it's strange to just think that in one day...and the banging of a gavel...my marriage will be over. In many ways...all most all the ways, it is already over. This is just a formality.

I still fear that the sadness and pain of it all will hit me that day and I will be a puddle in the courthouse. I don't really want to go alone, but I also don't want people to see me cry. What's a girl to do? 8 days and counting.