Wedding Dress

I just posted my wedding dress on Craigslist to sell and a little piece of my heart died. Another loss to add to the list. But why keep it? I could use the money right now and ultimately it's just a dress. I have the pictures of my most special day to remind me.

This week my parents are at my house helping me finish some projects that I was left with when D left. They are adding new doors, changing plugs and light switches, and helping me paint. I am trying to get the house ready to rent out to a roommate. Another step that I am terrified about. It could be a huge blessing if I find the right person. She could end up being my best friend. Please pray with me that God will provide.

Last week was Christmas and although it was my first Christmas without D there, it wasn't that bad. He was in Nashville watching the dogs for me while I was in NC. That was the most stressful and sad part for me. Its bad that I missed my dogs more than I miss my husband, but that's reality right now. They don't lie and hurt me like he does. I am looking forward to the new year and new beginnings. I am excited to see what God has in store for me in 2013.

Crazy Dreams

This week has been emotional for me...I think I'm hormonal...but either way, I've really been missing Daniel this week. I tried talking to him yesterday just to have a friendly conversation, but it went downhill fast. I hate that we can't even talk anymore without arguing over stupid stuff. But for whatever reason, maybe it was the sour kraut I ate before bed, I had some pretty messed up dreams last night.

The first one is pretty blurry, but I remember at one point in the dream getting into a big argument with Daniel over who knows what...it was really heated, and I was trying to walk away. I turned to look back and he pulled a gun on me!!! It was terrifying...

Please don't think that he has ever been violent with me. I have NEVER been afraid of him...that's what makes that dream so terrible. I woke up in a sweat and had to calm myself down before falling back asleep.

Once I was back asleep the mood of my dreams took a strange twist. I dreamt that we were back together in the house and we were getting ready for bed. I was lying there silently wishing that he would just roll over and kiss me....in the dream he was just getting ready to, and I woke up and the bed was empty. It was terrible again.

This is the first time I can remember dreaming about him. I guess its those dumb hormones and girl emotions coming in for the sneak attack.

It's Not Supposed to Be This Way

Last night I was invited to go see the Behold the Lamb of God concert at the Ryman Auditorium. I was invited to go with one of my really good friends Caroline. She came in from Chattanooga to come see the show with me. We had a great day together and I was excited to be seeing the show this year. I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster I was about to take.

I was having a great time until we all sat down and the show was about to start. As the music began and the lights went down, I got this overwhelming feeling of being alone. I looked around the audience and saw so many happy couples snuggled up to each other, ready to be blessed. I was alone in a crowd full of people. I immediately prayed that God would be with me, that He would sit next to me and hold my hand. I got that panicky feeling wash over me, like everyone was staring at me. I just kept praying for peace. I didn't want my anxious thoughts and fears to overshadow this show and what God was trying to speak to me. I calmed down a bit and sat back listening to the wonderful music.

Then God began working on my heart. 

Every song it seemed from that point on in the show, was directed right to me from God. I felt an overwhelming sense of love and protection and the tears started flowing. God knew my fears and my anxiety and He knew that the only thing I could think of during that show was how much Daniel would have enjoyed it. How wrong it felt to not have him next to me. How wrong all of this is. Then I was reminded of the sermon from church that morning. 

Russ Ramsey, my pastor, spoke about how we weren't meant to die. He kept reiterating the phrase "It's not supposed to be like this." That phrase was repeated again last night in the show many times. I felt that way too and I know that was God's way of speaking to me last night. Its not supposed to be like this. Daniel is supposed to be next to me holding my hand and experiencing this show with me. I was also struck by the phrases "God grieves with us" and the bible verse from church that morning, "Jesus wept." God is hurting with me over this divorce, He is grieving the loss of something that He put together. I am still struggling with how this happened. How did we get to this point? But its very comforting to me to know that Jesus knows my suffering and my grief, and he is with me everyday to help me navigate through this. 

Here are a few songs from some of the artists last night that really spoke to me. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Therapy

So I met with Andy tonight. He is awesome. He makes me think and lets me rant and ramble and in the midst of that all I actually start having "AH HA" moments. I had a few of them tonight which really makes me excited. I know that may sound weird, but the more I understand about what got us to this point, the more UNlikely I will be to repeat it in the future.

Tonight Andy asked me how my week was going and what I had learned in the past month. I told him about my angry list and expressed that I had a bit of built up anger. He asked me what I was most angry about and before I knew what I was saying I blurted out..."I feel used". AH HA...thats one link in the chain. I went on to explain that I feel as though I have devoted the last five years of my life to doing whatever D wanted to do...whatever crazy hobby (hobby of the month club) he was into at the time, and being the responsible one in the family while he got to do whatever the hell he wanted to do. I was being a PARENT!! So another AH HA...I am starting to see why I am feeling a sense of freedom now that he is out of the house. I dont have to parent him anymore. I also expressed that I am starting to worry if its ok for me to feel a sense of relief...aren't are I supposed to be upset? I'm supposed to be crying myself to sleep every night and not eating...but wait...Is that normal?

Andy says he's proud of me :)

Then Andy threw me a curve ball...he read me the clinical definition of a Narcissist. Sweet mother of God...Thats it. I was living with a narcissist. And the next thing out of his mouth was..."They hardly ever change from that kind of lifestyle or mindset."

I only cried once tonight in that meeting...and it hit me out of nowhere. I told him about the grief hitting me seemingly out of the blue at the most inopportune times. He asked me what made me upset and when I started telling him about not unpacking the boxes and it being too hard to take the pictures out of the frames...I LOST IT. He asked me again why that is upsetting me and I said, "because that makes it real, and I don't have any pictures to put back in the frames yet...I don't have any memories without him in them." AH HA!! Another link.

Then we talked about the stages of grief, you know...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. He told me that I am in the anger stage right now but he feels its healthy anger. He said he doubts I will hit the depression stage again b/c I already went through that one pretty hard core. He said I will need to be on the look out for instances of bargaining (giving D the benefit of the doubt). Lastly, he said that he felt that I had been living in the denial stage for quite a while during our marriage. He said I was probably in love with D's "POTENTIAL" to be a good man, more than D himself. Wow...big AH HA moment right there. Its all starting to make a little more sense. 

Then it got to the hard part...I thought I was doing so good. Then I confessed that I have been feeling guilty about something and I told him that I had been talking to an old friend from college who has been a wonderful support to me through this journey. I could see his face tense up and his eye brows furrow. I told him I am torn because I feel guilty talking to this guy while I'm still technically married. I confessed that I felt like a hypocrite for getting so upset with D having a "connection" with a girl at his work, and I was doing seemingly the same thing. Andy told me to stop. He said I need to only be seeking counsel from women at this point in my life. It was hard to hear. I feel guilty, but its so nice to get attention from a good guy. I don't really know how that conversation is going to go. I will have to pray about that b/c the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings or make him feel guilty for talking to me.

Well that's about it I guess. I scheduled to meet with him again right before my birthday. I may have a whole new set of issues to discuss with him next time about turning 30 and starting over. Right now I feel pretty good about.

Anticipation

Lord, I am thankful for the beautifully crisp weather outside today. The sunshine is wonderful and the nip in the air reminds me that Christmas is right around the corner and the season of Advent is upon us. There is so much to anticipate right now and I am excited about so many things. Today at lunch I went to buy a new set of luggage and that one small task was empowering. Its sounds sorta silly, but buying my own luggage...in the pattern that I want (it was girly), made me feel kinda great. It also reminded me that the reason I need luggage is because I am going home to see my family next week!! I just saw them over Thanksgiving, but I miss them so much lately. I am thankful that I get to get away for a while. I am also anticipating going to see Andy (my counselor) tonight. I am nervous, but excited at the same time. I am nervous because I'm not sure what questions he is going to ask me, and I'm nervous because I fear that it will be an emotional night. I am excited because I feel like You Lord have enlightened me to so much in the past month since Andy and I last spoke. I kinda feel like a little kid who is excited to tell the teacher how much he learned over Christmas break. LOL.

Lord, you are so wonderful to provide area and avenues for me to learn and begin to deal with all the questions and the emotions that come along with divorce. I can see now why you hate divorce so much. There is nothing pleasant or glorifying in this. But I take courage and comfort in knowing that You are working all things together for your good. Its hard for me NOT to count my blessings in all of this. You are so present to me in my grief and my questions. There are still so many things that I am struggling with and its hard to catalog them all because most of the time they hit me out of no where. I will be doing great one minute and crying the next. I don't want to even think about what people around me are thinking about me right now...they probably think I'm losing my mind. Maybe in a way I am.

I was just reminded that back in August, I visited TNU's campus for a networking breakfast and stopped in to see an old professor who has become a mentor to me over the years. After the initial "How have you been" conversation he asked me what I thought about the idea of pruning in our lives. Lord you were in that conversation that day because you knew I would need to hear it now. I can still hear the words plain as day come out of my mouth. "I think its a vital and necessary part of our lives to get rid of the dead areas in our lives, or the unhealthy areas, and allow for new growth to take place." WOW...that was a prophecy if I ever heard one. I just didn't know I was talking to myself just a few months in advance. Praise You that you know what we need even before we can recognize the need. Your love is amazing and you provide for our every need whether we know it or not.

Making new memories

I went to dinner tonight with a friend from college named Avonel. She is precious and we haven't hung out in close to 5 years!! I know I'm a terrible friend. Life got in the way for both of us, but we are trying to reconnect and make up for those lost years. We went to one of my favorite sushi restaurants downtown Nashville called Ichiban. The sushi is great, but I think its the memories that make that place so special for me. I know what you are thinking...D took me here on our first date...that's why I love it. Well that's only one of the reasons why I love it. It was my favorite before the first date. It was the first place I ate sushi in Nashville. I used to go there with my college boyfriend "L" all the time and many other friends in college. I think it represents my "growing up" in the city and trying new things...stepping out on my own in a sense. Tonight was just the start of a another new stepping out on my own experience. Coming back to that place with a friend from college, immediately took me back to five years ago. It was about this time of year in 2007 that I was asking God what was next in my life. Little did I know what 2008 was going to bring. 2007 was the hardest year of my life. I broke up with "L", "L's" mother passed away from cancer, and I was forced to start finding myself again...that part is all too familiar to me.

2007 also brought some amazing blessings though, and many of those blessing came in the form of friends. That was the year that I met Jeremy, Neal and Thomas...three guys that God dumped in my life at the perfect time. Man I miss those guys. He also blessed me with so many renewed relationships with my girlfriends. I think dinner tonight reminded me that I am almost back to that same kind of time in my life all over again...Learning who I am, relying on friends, making new friends and trusting God to lead me to the next step in my life. If the beginning of 2013 is anything like the beginning of 2008 (when D and I met) then it is sure to be a whirlwind. Its amazing how much changes in 5 years time. I look forward to the journey...even though I know there are going to be boulders along the path in the next few months.

Angry list

Its been almost two months since D told me he wanted a divorce. It seems like 2 years, but at the same time has gone by so quickly. I have started attending a Divorce Care class once a week at Christ Church. It has been a wonderful blessing in my life. I have met some amazing ladies whom I connect with. I am also reading two books that are really helping me navigate through all this emotion and these questions. One is called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and the other is called "Flying Solo". Both have been speaking me to in wonderful ways.

It seems that this week the theme of ANGER keeps popping up. Maybe that's God's way of making me deal with my suppressed anger. On the surface I feel like there really isn't much anger there. Don't get me wrong...I am angry, but I don't have a desire to go injure him or really yell at him. One of the books recommended that I write out a list of things that make me angry right now about my situation, so here it goes....

This may get raw...be warned. I'm angry that/because:

1. he made a vow to me that he would love me through better and worse times, until death and he broke that vow
2. he decided that he didn't want to be responsible and just left instead of trying to work it out
3. he didn't think that I was worth the fight
4. he lied to me about his feelings for over a year
5. he told me he wanted to have a baby and we tried for over a year, all the while he knew he didn't want to be married.
6. he made me go through hell to get pregnant and didn't tell me how he really felt
7. he went through with buying a house knowing he didn't want to be married
8. he left me with a mortgage payment that I didn't want to have to pay on my own
9. he has a "connection" with a girl at his work
10. he introduced me to this girl and I was nice to her...all the while he knew that he had feelings for her. 
11. I feel betrayed and lied to
12. I question everything about our marriage now
13. I question whether those vacations were real or also a lie
14. I question all our intimate interactions and wonder if he felt that way during those times too
15. he makes me feel cheap and used
16. I gave my virginity to him and trusted him to protect me. I will never get that back for the next husband
17. I will never wear white on my wedding day again
18. I feel like he stole 5 years of my life
19. I supported him through all his crazy hobbies and devoted my life to him for so long and he just throws it away like its nothing
20. I lost myself in our marriage and now I have to start over and figure out who I am again
21. I gained 30 lbs while we were married and my self confidence was shattered
22. I have to go to events alone now
23. I have to wear the stigma of divorce
24. I am a statistic
25. I have to be the one to explain where he is and why we are separated to our friends
26. I have to go to church alone now
27. I won't get to have his children
28. I don't get to be a part of his life anymore
29. I don't get to be a part of his family's lives or watch his nephews and niece grow up
30. I don't get to know those intimate details of his life anymore or have a say in his decisions
31. I don't get to be his wife anymore
32. I have to come home to an empty house at night now
33. I have to take out the trash and mow the yard and maintain the car
34. I don't get to have those dreams of raising kids together and traveling together and growing old together anymore
35. I don't get to share my secrets with my best friend anymore
36. He is so cold to me now
37. I have to sit back and watch him spiral out of control and can't do anything to stop it
38. I have to go to counseling alone
39. I have to move again soon
40. I have to learn a new person all over again when I start dating
41. I have to start dating again
42. I have to face hard questions and emotions that I shouldn't have to be dealing with
43. I let him manipulate me and I just accepted it
44. He never missed me even when we were married
45. He didn't love me as much as I loved him
46. I settled for a half-hearted love and convinced myself that it was all I deserved/needed.
47. he doesn't want to spend time with the dogs
48. he doesn't help me with the expenses of the dogs
49. he told me to sell the dogs if they were too much to handle
50. his mail is still coming to the house b/c he hasn't forwarded it yet
51. he doesn't want me to spend time with "his" friends or family
52. I don't see or hear from my Mother-in-law or sister-in-law anymore