Angry list

Its been almost two months since D told me he wanted a divorce. It seems like 2 years, but at the same time has gone by so quickly. I have started attending a Divorce Care class once a week at Christ Church. It has been a wonderful blessing in my life. I have met some amazing ladies whom I connect with. I am also reading two books that are really helping me navigate through all this emotion and these questions. One is called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, and the other is called "Flying Solo". Both have been speaking me to in wonderful ways.

It seems that this week the theme of ANGER keeps popping up. Maybe that's God's way of making me deal with my suppressed anger. On the surface I feel like there really isn't much anger there. Don't get me wrong...I am angry, but I don't have a desire to go injure him or really yell at him. One of the books recommended that I write out a list of things that make me angry right now about my situation, so here it goes....

This may get raw...be warned. I'm angry that/because:

1. he made a vow to me that he would love me through better and worse times, until death and he broke that vow
2. he decided that he didn't want to be responsible and just left instead of trying to work it out
3. he didn't think that I was worth the fight
4. he lied to me about his feelings for over a year
5. he told me he wanted to have a baby and we tried for over a year, all the while he knew he didn't want to be married.
6. he made me go through hell to get pregnant and didn't tell me how he really felt
7. he went through with buying a house knowing he didn't want to be married
8. he left me with a mortgage payment that I didn't want to have to pay on my own
9. he has a "connection" with a girl at his work
10. he introduced me to this girl and I was nice to her...all the while he knew that he had feelings for her. 
11. I feel betrayed and lied to
12. I question everything about our marriage now
13. I question whether those vacations were real or also a lie
14. I question all our intimate interactions and wonder if he felt that way during those times too
15. he makes me feel cheap and used
16. I gave my virginity to him and trusted him to protect me. I will never get that back for the next husband
17. I will never wear white on my wedding day again
18. I feel like he stole 5 years of my life
19. I supported him through all his crazy hobbies and devoted my life to him for so long and he just throws it away like its nothing
20. I lost myself in our marriage and now I have to start over and figure out who I am again
21. I gained 30 lbs while we were married and my self confidence was shattered
22. I have to go to events alone now
23. I have to wear the stigma of divorce
24. I am a statistic
25. I have to be the one to explain where he is and why we are separated to our friends
26. I have to go to church alone now
27. I won't get to have his children
28. I don't get to be a part of his life anymore
29. I don't get to be a part of his family's lives or watch his nephews and niece grow up
30. I don't get to know those intimate details of his life anymore or have a say in his decisions
31. I don't get to be his wife anymore
32. I have to come home to an empty house at night now
33. I have to take out the trash and mow the yard and maintain the car
34. I don't get to have those dreams of raising kids together and traveling together and growing old together anymore
35. I don't get to share my secrets with my best friend anymore
36. He is so cold to me now
37. I have to sit back and watch him spiral out of control and can't do anything to stop it
38. I have to go to counseling alone
39. I have to move again soon
40. I have to learn a new person all over again when I start dating
41. I have to start dating again
42. I have to face hard questions and emotions that I shouldn't have to be dealing with
43. I let him manipulate me and I just accepted it
44. He never missed me even when we were married
45. He didn't love me as much as I loved him
46. I settled for a half-hearted love and convinced myself that it was all I deserved/needed.
47. he doesn't want to spend time with the dogs
48. he doesn't help me with the expenses of the dogs
49. he told me to sell the dogs if they were too much to handle
50. his mail is still coming to the house b/c he hasn't forwarded it yet
51. he doesn't want me to spend time with "his" friends or family
52. I don't see or hear from my Mother-in-law or sister-in-law anymore